Having a bad self image night. Usually happens when I’m alone. I just need to sleep it off I hope.

ok, deciding to post on here more. I’ve been busy with school and work so I have been neglecting a lot. I have been going to the gym 4 times a week. I try not to obsess over my weight but I do weigh myself after every workout, and so far I have lost about 5 lbs. This is also attributed to eating better. I’ve laid off the fast food, and cut back on the soda. I want to be skinny, not skinny fat. Before when I would skip a meal, I didn’t really think much of it. Now I notice every time I skip a meal, because I’m purposefully doing it. The hardest part is going to work, since I work at a restaurant, and getting thru the 5 or so hour shift without devouring every thing in sight. I’ve done really good this week and have allowed myself one cheat meal so far of a mexican food meal, which I split with my boyfriend. I’m just trying to feel good in my body. I figured Ill use this blog to post progress photos, and try to keep in mind that I’m trying to get fit, a healthy way. 

Ignoring this blog, sadly because I barely like to blog on my main blog. But I worked out today and ate really good and feel wonderful about today. Everyday needs to be like today.

Self hatred is so much easier than self love

Fleeting feelings of abandonment and self loathing. I know they are irrational, but every once in awhile a sudden cloud of these feelings float over my mind island. I’m currently listening to Little Dragon’s song Place to Belong, such a wonderful song. Currently hating my outward appearance, mainly the view I have of my body, which for me is a daily recurrence. Every one around me is so fixated on their bodies that it makes me notice things about my own that I dislike such as my: butt, thighs, and on the rare occasion my stomach. My problem is not that I am over weight, fat ect. but I am not toned. But to my eyes and mirror reflection is fat. Again, irrational thoughts. Trying to use this as an outlet for my thoughts, but this is probably the 5th time I have made a side blog and have yet to keep up with it. I do not like read what I have written but I need to try to put what is on my mind out somewhere.

Even if it is cyber space. My back hurts right now and all I can think about is how I do not want to work tomorrow and how boring this is writing what is on my mind. Also how much I want to have sex right now. Everyone I know thinks I am extremely conservative, which is respectively true to a degree. Not sure how to explain here. But I love to have sex. I will only have sex to get some enjoyment out of it. Sex to me is selfish. It might as well be since were both doing work. Anyways I would like to have sex right now but my boyfriend is out with his friends. 

Currently sitting on my bed with my headphones on listening to music. Boring. Going to read American Psycho after I decide when its ok to stop writing total bullshit on here. I like Brett Easton Ellis’s writing style. Can’t explain/don’t want to go into explanation why. Going to try really hard to eat not too much tomorrow. I am tired of having food guilt after I eat certain things. 

I can only imagine 15 year old me with a blog.